some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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