Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Houston, we have a squirter
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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