guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i think i just lost a toe
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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