just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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