You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
