Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
sex in a hospital.. check
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
