we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
