I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
