woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
