I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
