Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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