So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
