Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
