I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize