I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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