I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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