she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
