So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
