I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
