Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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