I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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