She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize