I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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