my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
