life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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