The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
