one word: firstdatebathroomanal
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
