no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
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Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
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Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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