never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
