i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
