My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
