yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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