You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
