Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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