so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
