dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
