I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
whose parrot is this?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
