I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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