I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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