she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
