Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
