U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
