cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
