Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
