You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
People in love make me want to vomit
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
