OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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