i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
