I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
