Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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