he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
