Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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