I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
