my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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