He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dating After Heartbreak
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry