I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.