Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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I just want nice things and good sex
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting