Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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