I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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