Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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