Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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