Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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