Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
