she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
