Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
